How many times has someone asked you for a favor? Not necessarily something big or something onerous. But maybe it is. Or maybe just something you don’t really know how to do or don’t want to do. Can you think of a time? If you’re like me, you can think of plenty.
What Is A Favor, Really?
Not all favors are alike. Some are simple things you can easily do. Like, taking in a neighbor’s mail for a few days while they’re on vacation. Or, going to a piano recital to cheer on a nervous nephew.
But other favors, well, they border on something much more than a favor. More intrusive. More involved. More time-consuming. Even more emotionally draining. For some of us who have professions or specialized knowledge, that favor can come in the form of a question like, “Can I pick your brain?” That’s a phrase I know all too well.
Sometimes is even a flat-out request to do something for free that you normally charge for in you professional life. I have been asked plenty of times during my law practice to do someone a favor and “just take a quick look at this contract and let me know what you think.” Not only as a licensed professional but also as someone who then becomes liable for the impact of that little favor, I can tell you the fact that someone put me in that position was even more irritating than the fact that they wanted my professional legal advice for free.
What Do You Say?
So, when someone asks you to do that kind of favor, what do you say? Do you evaluate the favor in terms of the value it gives to the receiver in light of the effort it takes for you? Do you do it based on what the relationship is between you and the requestor or recipient of the favor? How do you decide whether to do the favor or not?
Sometimes our gut instinct is to help anyone who asks us, right? We want to maintain our good standing as the go-to person when someone needs help. But isn’t that more about our ego than about whether we should do someone a favor? The idea of a favor carries with it the implication that there will be a sort of future benefit we can call upon if we do the favor now. Then someday, when we need it, we can ask for a favor in return. But do we ever ask? Is it common for the doer of frequent favors to become a frequent requester of favors? In my experience, the answer is definitely not.
Give Only When Your Heart Is Open
One thing I have learned is that the more favors you give someone, whatever form that takes, the more likely they are to keep on asking for favors. They never seem to run into the idea that maybe a favor should be a once in a very long while thing. Instead, because you say yes one time, they feel much less intimidated from asking you for something again, perhaps something even more onerous.
Trust me, I’ve spent years doing “favors” for a few people who now get quite indignant I actually say no to their request. I finally came to the realization that I was no longer doing the favor as an act of kindness but rather felt resentful, put upon, taken advantage of, and angry with myself for saying yes. So, I started saying no. Not to all favors, of course, but to those continually encroaching, upgrading, and ever-expanding kinds of favors, which amounted not to favors at all, but rather abuse of my kindness.
I realized that there is a way to know whether you can and should do someone a favor. That is, do so only when you can do it with an open heart and you feel good about doing the favor. If you feel negatively about it, such as resentful or taken advantage of, then my advice is to say no. Otherwise, long after the favor is done, you may still be wasting energy and kicking your self-esteem to the curb about it, and that serves no one.
Sometimes Listening Is The Best Favor
When someone asks you to do something for them, especially something they clearly could do for themselves but don’t want to, offer to listen to them instead. Lend an ear instead of a day, week, month or more of your time doing whatever it is that they could be doing themselves. Be an active listener, offer suggestions or comments when appropriate, but when the conversation ends, so does your commitment.
Helping someone sort through a problem or a challenge can be more rewarding than doing something for them they are avoiding. For instance, if someone is having a financial challenge and they ask, for a favor, if you can lend them some money, chances are whatever money you will be lending is just a bandage for a deeper problem. Listening to someone discuss their financial challenges might help you get ideas for them on what they can do to change their circumstances. Stress can often close our minds to different perspectives, which can open up possibilities for addressing challenges.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
It comes down to a matter of respect. Respect from an individual who is asking for assistance. Respecting yourself is important as well. And giving respect to someone who is asking for a real favor that makes sense can be empowering for both of you. In the same light, saying no to someone asking for an unreasonable or unnecessary favor is also respectful. Becoming an enabler of someone else’s inability to meet their own needs is not a favor at all.
One metric I find helpful in deciding whether or not to do someone a favor they have asked is put myself in their shoes. If I were the one asking for the favor would I feel okay about it? Would I feel it was appropriate based on our relationship? Is it something I would not feel was too intrusive or taking advantage of someone? Would I be okay if someone asked that favor of me?
Once you have the ability to step back from just saying YES to every favor anyone asks of you, it will become easier and easier for you to see which favors make sense for you to do and which do not. And, you will learn to respect yourself and the other person enough to say no when you mean no, and only say yes, when you can do so with an open heart.
Know Your Worth
One of the reasons we often say yes to favors we don’t really want to do is that we worry about the perception of us if we say no. We do things that might be much better done by someone else or even the person asking the favor because we don’t want to be perceived as unkind, unhelpful, or Scrooge-like by others. But the fact is that we are the arbiters of our own self-esteem. If we feel our time is not worth much, then people can ask us to do favors all day because, well, what else would we be doing?
Whether you’re giving out professional advice, running errands, or lending money, what would the value of that favor be on the open market. That is, if someone were to go to a magical list of favor-doers that identified a number of points equivalent to the value received, what would your list of favors be worth? This is a little bit of a thought experiment for most things, but when it comes to driving around and spending time that you could spend doing something of value to your or your family, or if you are providing professional advice for which you normally charge a fee, it becomes quite a real number indeed.
It’s Okay To Say No
If the numbers don’t add up for you, and that would include the emotional benefit to you and the requester of the favor, then it’s okay to say no when asked to do something that doesn’t make sense. You don’t need to have a long explanation and you don’t need to apologize.
We often feel we need to make excuses for exactly why someone who is abusing our kindness is no long able to do so. Some of that need comes from our prior behavior of saying yes to favors no matter how egregious. Alternatively, when someone becomes so used to you saying yes to everything, the first no might be quite a shock to the system, resulting in questioning, bargaining, “just this last one”-ing, and even anger and blaming. After all, who wants to do difficult things when they can be passed along to someone else instead?
We create our own ecosystem when it comes to dispensing favors. And while we often thing that the favor we do is always appreciated and builds up our positive profile in others’ eyes, that’s not always the case. Sometimes, it just makes us an easy mark for handling things that others would have to pay for or expend energy on themselves. And the more we say yes, the more they feel able to keep asking. It’s a self-fulfilling cycle that can end up badly.
Think Before You Do
So the next time someone asks you for a favor, do yourself a favor first. Take time to think it through. Don’t immediately jump to say yes. Consider how the favor will impact your time, wallet, mental and emotional well-being. Is it truly a favor that will benefit the asker? Consider their position and put yourself into it. Then ask yourself if you were in their position would you also ask for the favor?
Mindful living not only means putting your attention on the here and now. It also means considering how you live your life and getting away from automatic responses. The more you consider the favors you are asked, the more appropriate value everyone will place on them.
In my opinion, it’s always better to give freely with love and kindness rather than out of obligation or with resentment. That means valuing what you have to offer others and being conscientious about it. Take the time to think before you do, and you will feel much lighter and better when you do a favor for someone from your highest self.
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