When is the last time somebody wanted something (advice, a favor, money, whatever) that was terribly inconvenient or excessive and you just said “No”? Or have you been asking yourself why whenever someone wants your help, whether or not you are properly equipped to provide it, you find a way to accommodate them? Perhaps you’ve never said no. And so, they keep on asking.
Sound familiar? Well, here’s a little something to think about. You might consider yourself an especially good friend because you’re always there when someone needs you. That cousin who says they just need a place to crash for a night or two who winds up staying over a week – and loves your homemade meals. The friend who promises to pay you back “all the little loans” you’ve made that have ended up the equivalent of a week’s salary – and shows no signs of being paid back, ever. The nephew who begs you to help him fill out his application for his number one college pick, then his backup, then his safety school.
But do these people actually ever express gratitude for the assistance and then stop asking for more? Usually not. Because you’ve proven yourself to be a reliable enabler of whatever their issue is. Perhaps multiple issues, each one of which you are a “saving grace” for them. So where does that leave you? If you finally put your foot down and say enough is enough, you either end up as the wicked, uncaring so-and-so because their easy out is not available. Or you feel guilty and give in again because there are promises of “just this one last time.”
Unfortunately, when low self-esteem has you saying yes when you really need to say no, you’re showing so little respect for yourself that you will feel better about it only if you keep providing assistance to others. After all, they’re showing you how much you are needed, right? Wrong!
Some people are what I like to call Vampires. They’re willing to suck you dry in any way they can to fill their own needs. They may be relatives who think your hard work got you money that you sensibly save somehow means you owe them because they spend everything as soon as they get their paycheck, sometimes even before. Or people so out of control in their own emotional lives that they practically demand you fix it for them. The insecure, over-pampered, under-thinking, corner-cutting, manipulative, lazy, selfish, addicted — they all find a way to cry on your shoulder and get what they want from you. Why? Because you’ve trained them to!
Self-esteem is the sense that you are a worthwhile person. Your time, knowledge, skills, and everything else have a value to others. When you give them away out of guilt or fear or a need to be appreciated, you’re on a one-way street to disappointment. Of course, I’m not talking about helping someone out on the odd occasion. I’m talking about either you or the people in your life being habitually in the give-take game with you constantly on the giving side.
Setting boundaries is something that people with healthy self-esteem do to honor their value. When a colleague who is chronically slow at getting work done asks them to stay late and lend a hand, they respond that they have somewhere else to be. If a friend always says they’ll pay them back later when they get their wallet if they pay for the whole dinner once again, they say they’ll wait until the friend has their wallet with them so they can split the bill at the time.
Boundaries are the limits beyond which it becomes uncomfortable for you. And some people love to push boundaries. They play the guilt game – “If you really loved me, you’d buy me that…” Or the manipulation game – “You’re the only one who could possibly help me.” There are so many ways people can push your buttons, and you might even recognize it as it’s being done. But when you feel that what you’re giving is not what you want to give, then you need to set some boundaries and let others know when something they want from you is not okay.
How do you set boundaries that help you respect your value and maintain your self-esteem? You say “No.” Women especially have a difficult time with just that simple two-letter word. Often, “no” is not enough for them. It needs to be “no” accompanied by some sort of “I’m sorry” or an explanation. But really, “no” is all that’s needed. And, if you start saying it soon enough, those vampire people will look somewhere else to find someone easier they can suck to death.
Self-esteem, boundaries, and saying “no” are all part of the same system. When you set reasonable, healthy boundaries by saying “no,” you can feel your self-esteem rise. But like many habits and conditioned behaviors, we get stuck in our own way, continuing to do something we really don’t want to do because our subconscious thinks it feels weird to stop. It’s important to learn about tools you can use to recognize patterns of damaging thoughts and actions and implement change.
You are valuable in so many ways and you don’t need to prove it by doing everything for everybody. Far from it. If you feel like you’re caught in the “people pleasing” trap resentment can ruin everything. So take a little bit off your plate by honoring your own value, setting boundaries, and saying “no” when that is what you want to say.
And if you’d like support becoming more comfortable in these areas, check out my Self-Esteem and Confidence Booster program and my personal coaching. There’s nothing that makes you feel better about yourself and others than knowing everyone is respected and valued as they should be.